A slight break of format for this installment…

One sunny day I saw someone, a young woman, who for some reason, caught my eye. It might have been the sunlight reflecting off of her red hair, the way the weather was treating me, or plain good karma. Something attracted me to this woman, and I began a minor quest to find out more about her, and who knows what else!

After finding out her name, thanks to an unsuspecting bystander, I began to discover just who she was.

I made a few mistakes along the way, but hey…. I’m a guy, enough said!

I am shy. I present an appearance of complete confidence, but this is only a false image, part of my protection from letting people see me, get to me.

What I discovered about this woman reminded me that there are some truly interesting people in this world, and the world is a better place with them around!

It seems that this lovely woman had recently ended a serious relationship. I was a test for her. A test to see if she could let anyone into her life again.

This relationship was a test for me as well. I entered into this as some sort of a grand adventure, a test to see if anyone cared, or would care, about who I really am. I opened up my walls, and let the real me be exposed. Not complete exposure, but I held back much less of my true self than I had ever before. I attempted to not pretend. I attempted to be me. No acting, no false images, just ‘what you see is what you get!’

I discovered much throughout this adventure… I discovered much about myself…

Most of the knowledge I found was things I already knew, but through time, and turning a blind eye, choose not to acknowledge as being so. I do not let many people into my world, so those that I let in, I get attached to very quickly. Once I’m attached to a person, I rarely let go of them… No matter how hard they try to escape! I am persistent, or I can be. I apply meanings to everything. It seems that in certain stages of creating a relationship, there is nothing that is just "what it is."

I wanted this "relationship" to mean something, to be something… Always the dreamer, in spite of direct indications that my wishes would not be so. I knew from the start that she was only looking for something very casual, nothing serious… I deceived myself into believing that this was all I was looking for as well.

We had some interesting times; we shared our good times, and gave each other space through the bad times. We agreed on issues, and disagreed about situations… All in all, it was like any other relationship, except this was one that would not… could not form.

When the time came that she needed to leave, I did not accept the reality well. I questioned everything about this situation, questioned myself. I continued to do some stupid things (still a guy!) but in the end, we parted as friends.

This was a very new situation for me… Usually when a relationship is breaking up for me, there is some sort of a (meaningless) argument, which the breakup can then be blamed on. In short time, we would both be able to face the end without regrets; the argument was simply there to provide an excuse. Once the emotions have settled down, a friendship is formed based upon who we had been to each other. But in this "relationship", we parted not with an argument, but by giving more of ourselves to the other. Through leaving, I let her see more of me than ever before, and she provided much of the same in return.

I still questioned everything….. Did I not try hard enough? Did I try too hard? Was I too open? Was I not open enough? Was I "man" enough? Was I too "normal"? Was I too "weird"? Was I trying to make her be someone she was not? Was I trying to become, for her, someone who I am not? Was she leaving me for someone else? Was I pushing her away? Was I holding on too tight? Was I? Was I? Was I???

No matter what the answers are, she is still a part of my life. I grew because of this "relationship."

I miss her, and I do think about her. I do wonder what "we" could have been…

Only through time, and the friendship that we have formed, have I come to see what we were both doing… I was testing "humanity" to see if anyone could care about who I had become. She was testing herself to see if she could care for someone else.

In the end, this "relationship" was a test being executed by both of us, and we both "won".

We are both new people because of our time together. Through these actions, we have grown and learned.

We are not the same people as we were before.

I was touched.

I was ‘hurt’.

It was good.